All These Hoes Laughing Like Its Funny
You lot know how the proverb goes: Laughter is the best medicine. And in that location'southward then much truth to that old adage. If you're having a bad day, or if someone you love needs a trivial cheering up, sense of humor tin can help ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy among life's stresses.
This collection of funny quotes provides an array of ways to trigger that smile and turn around someone'southward lousy mood. (Even if that someone is yous!) Nosotros've got funny quotes about honey, marriage, aging, parenting, so many more relatable topics. Catch your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or even simply to impress and hang above your desk-bound to serve as a piffling reminder that life'due south not that serious — and nosotros're all much better off laughing so we don't weep!
These funny quotes come from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller. You lot'll also find laugh-out-loud quotes from your favorite timeless sitcoms like The Office, and funny-but-oh-so-wise movies like Steel Magnolias. So enjoy our listing and bookmark it to come up back to anytime y'all demand a laugh.
Looking for more inspiration? Check out these poignant quotes for women and inspirational quotes about life.
Funny Quotes Nearly Life
1. "Life is short. Bulldoze fast and exit a sexy corpse. That'south 1 of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Office
2. "At that place is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see information technology."
―Mindy Kaling
3. "I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the nutrient."
—West.C. Fields
4. "People say money is non the fundamental to happiness, but I have always figured if yous take enough money, you can have a key made."
—Joan Rivers
5. "Do not take life too seriously. You volition never go out of information technology alive."
—Elbert Hubbard
6. "I by and large avoid temptation unless I tin can't resist it."
―Mae West
7. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you lot don't accept a single thing to worry most. That always worries me!"
—Charlie Brown
8. "The optimist proclaims that we alive in the all-time of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."
—James Co-operative Cabell
ix. "I'yard killing time while I wait for life to shower me with significant and happiness."
―Bill Watterson
10. "You but alive once, merely if you do it right, in one case is plenty."
―Mae West
11. "If at first y'all don't succeed, try, endeavor again. Then quit. No use existence a damn fool virtually information technology."
―W.C. Fields
12. "I love mankind... it's people I can't stand!!"
― Charles M. Schulz
thirteen. "I remember God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his power."
―Oscar Wilde
14. "Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."
—Michael Scott, The Part
xv. "Ii things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."
―Albert Einstein
sixteen. "When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
―Cathy Guisewite
17. "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
―Isaac Asimov
18. "When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should take been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin
19. "I have a lot of growing upwardly to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
—Zach Galifianakis
20. "I simply want to prevarication on the embankment and eat hot dogs. That's all I've always wanted."
—Kevin Malone, The Office
21. "Whenever I'one thousand about to exercise something, I call up, 'Would an idiot practice that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
—Dwight Schrute, The Role
22. "Never put off till tomorrow what you can practice the twenty-four hour period after tomorrow just every bit well."
—Mark Twain
23. "I'm not crazy — I've but been in a very bad mood for 40 years."
—Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes for Friends
24. "Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."
—Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
25. "A woman is similar a tea handbag: Yous can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
26. "Lots of people want to ride with y'all in the limo, simply what you want is someone who will take the motorbus with you when the limo breaks down."
—Oprah Winfrey
27. "Whatever women practise they must do twice equally well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not hard."
—Charlotte Whitton
28. "I drink to make other people more than interesting."
—Ernest Hemingway
29. "Vino is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."
—Benjamin Franklin
30. "When you're in jail, a good friend will exist trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the jail cell next to y'all saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
―Groucho Marx
31. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm non dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde."
—Dolly Parton
32. "I like my money where I tin can see it: hanging in my closet."
—Carrie Bradshaw, Sex activity and the Metropolis
33. "Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping."
—Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls
34. "The statistics on sanity are that ane out of every iv Americans is suffering from some grade of mental illness. Think of your three all-time friends. If they're OK, so information technology's you." —Rita Mae Brown
35. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. Simply they don't really know me."
—Garry Shandling
36. "People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink any'south in the glass."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
37. "I don't intendance what they say nigh me. I only want to eat."
—Pam Beesly, The Office
38. "Don't waste and then much fourth dimension thinking nigh how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, slow, idiotic, cocky-destructive diversion from the fun of living."
—Meryl Streep
39. "Fifty-fifty I don't wake upward looking like Cindy Crawford."
—Cindy Crawford
40. "I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. I don't recollect it'due south natural."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes Most Aging
41. "The hush-hush of staying immature is to alive honestly, consume slowly, and lie about your historic period."
—Lucille Ball
42. "Honey, fourth dimension marches on and eventually you realize information technology is marchin' across your face."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
43. "You know yous've reached eye historic period when you're cautioned to slow downwards past your physician, instead of past the police."
—Joan Rivers
44. "People say, 'How yous stay looking so young?' I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."
—Dolly Parton
45. "Look, you didn't inquire me for my stance, only I'g onetime, and then I'thousand giving information technology anyway."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Gilded Girls
46. "No matter how bad things go, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, become over it."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
47. "You know you're getting old when yous stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while yous're downward there." —George Burns
48. "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese."
—Luis Buñuel
49. "Every bit y'all get older, iii things happen. The offset is your memory goes, and I can't retrieve the other ii."
—Sir Norman Wisdom
Funny Quotes Most Marriage
50. "Earlier you marry a person, you should first brand them use a computer with tiresome Net service to see who they really are."
—Will Ferrell
51. "Women ally men hoping they will modify. Men ally women hoping they volition non. So each is inevitably disappointed."
—Albert Einstein
52. "I love you lot no matter what you practise, simply do you lot have to do so much of information technology?"
—Jean Illsley Clarke
53. "Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
—Pauline Thomason
54. "Never go to bed mad. Stay upward and fight."
―Phyllis Diller
55. "The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone."
—Dolly Parton
56. "The best fashion to get virtually husbands to practise something is to suggest that perhaps they're also former to do it."
—Shirley MacLaine
57. "Every bit a human in a relationship, you have a uncomplicated choice. You tin either exist correct, or you tin can be happy."
—Ralphie May
58. "Backside every great homo is a adult female rolling her optics."
—Jim Carrey
Brusk Funny Quotes
59. "The only affair worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
—Oscar Wilde
60. "The older you get, the better you lot get. Unless y'all're a banana."
—Betty White
61. "If you lot can't be kind, at least be vague."
—Judith Martin
62. "Anybody who tells you money tin't buy happiness never had whatever."
—Samuel Fifty. Jackson
63. "Reality continues to ruin my life."
―Pecker Watterson
64. "Don't be so humble — you are non that nifty."
―Golda Meir
65. "Never miss a good chance to close upward."
―Volition Rogers
66. "I've had bully success beingness a total idiot. "
―Jerry Lewis
67. "Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system."
―Ellen DeGeneres
68. "Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company."
—Mark Twain
69. "Instant gratification takes too long."
—Carrie Fisher
70. "Don't go effectually maxim the world owes you lot a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here commencement."
—Mark Twain
71. "My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
―Winston Southward. Churchill
72. "All the things I like to practise are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
—Alexander Woollcott
73. "Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired."
—Sandra Bullock
Clever Quotes and Sayings
74. "Exist wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, then just conduct like they would."
—Neil Gaiman
75. "Follow your passion, stay truthful to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and y'all're lost and yous see a path then by all ways you should follow that."
—Ellen DeGeneres
76. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
—Isaac Asimov
77. "A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is equally nasty as himself, and hates them for information technology."
―George Bernard Shaw
78. "Money can't purchase you happiness, but it tin purchase you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it."
—David Lee Roth
79. "The lord gave united states of america two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most."
—Ann Landers
Funny Quotes About Parenting
80. "When my kids become wild and unruly, I apply a squeamish, prophylactic playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
—Erma Bombeck
81. "I desire my children to have all the things I couldn't beget. Then I want to move in with them."
—Phyllis Diller
82. "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before information technology stops snowing."
—Phyllis Diller
83. "It is non piece of cake existence a female parent. If it were easy, fathers would practice it."
—Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls
84. "Adults are ever request children what they desire to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas."
—Paula Poundstone
85. "If yous are non yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough fourth dimension with them."
—Reese Witherspoon
86. "There is no such affair as fun for the whole family unit." —Jerry Seinfeld
87. "Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to aid mom do the dishes."
—P.J. O'Rourke
Funny Quotes Well-nigh Work
88. "Everything I have I owe to this task... this stupid, wonderful, tedious, astonishing task."
—Jim Halpert, The Part
89. "An part is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come up true."
—Michael Scott, The Role
xc. "And so this is my life — until I win the lottery."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
91. "The all-time way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
—Oscar Wilde
92. "Housework can't kill you, merely why take the chance?"
—Phyllis Diller
93. "I hate housework. You lot make the beds, yous wash the dishes and six months afterward you have to offset all over again."
—Joan Rivers
94. "I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit down and expect at it for hours."
―Jerome Thou. Jerome
95. "I always make it late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
―Charles Lamb
96. "Housekeeping is similar being caught in a revolving door."
—Marcelene Cox
97. "The only affair that always saturday its way to success was a hen."
—Sarah Brown
98. "You tin't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic."
—Zig Ziglar
99. "All yous need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure."
—Mark Twain
100. "Fifty-fifty if you lot are on the right track, you lot will become run over if you merely sit in that location."
—Will Rogers
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